hope

Since my blog is invariably always taken up by food recipes, I guess I don’t really talk about my life all that much, aside from the little snippets here and there before I get on with the recipe. I don’t talk about school too much, so I thought I’d throw in a curve ball today.

I’m sure I’m not alone in the train of thought where I sometimes doubt whether or not I can get through this. (Thankfully, this wasn’t spurred by a grade I recently received or anything; I just had a conversation with a couple friends and we did some sharing of thoughts.) My mom has always told me that if I’ve tried my absolute best and done everything I could have possibly done to try to achieve something, it’s okay if I don’t succeed.

It’s meant to be comforting, but it really isn’t to me.

I want my best to be good enough (or better), and even if I really “did everything I could have,” I always feel like there’s more I could have done. Up until perhaps my senior year of undergrad, I never actually considered myself intelligent. I likened myself to being at the bottom of the smart barrel, and I know that I got to where I am today not because I was anything close to brilliant, but because I worked extremely hard. I’m a terrible test taker, and I was never used to “acing all my classes,” as so many people like to stereotype.

Some days, I just have to tell myself that even if it nothing seems to be working out right now, it will eventually.

Honestly, I’m still learning something more about different study tactics, what works and what doesn’t with every exam that I take. That’s perhaps the best piece of advice that I’ve gotten here so far. Don’t be hell-bent on employing the same exact method that you used to study in undergrad (or grad school, etc.) here. What you do might change per course, per subject, per exam in each course–hell, even per professor. Be flexible.

I’ve mentioned time and again that I’ve been incredibly blessed [to the point where I feel like I’ve been completely spoiled] here, but I guess there is also this inherent fear in me sometimes where I wonder if I have what it takes to get through all of this alive and kicking. (I’d like to think so, because there is nothing I would rather be doing.) It’s definitely nice to have a support network, although I will admit, I do feel somewhat isolated at times up here.

I wish the best for my friend. Her study partner/best friend disappeared on her (flat out decided to just leave the school) this week without warning, and although I obviously can’t know how she feels, I can definitely imagine it. With the amount of time I spend at school (practically none, unless it’s to use the internet, print things or attend mandatory class/lab), the only person I see on a regular basis is my neighbor. I would be a total goner without him, because I honestly have never found anyone I studied with this well. (Not to mention, having to find a new study buddy now would be nothing short of impossible since all the groups have already formed.)

I think my neighbor and I spend something like 4-16 hours with each other every day (I’m glad we’re still not sick of each other; tis a good sign), and I wish our grades would reflect that. For all the studying that we do, I’d like to think that we’d be doing better, but maybe it’s just that we’re studying to actually learn the material, as opposed to cramming it for each exam. I hope this approach helps us for boards. It’s what keeps me undiscouraged.